Fears a funny thing isn’t it. I mean I’m in a sarcophagus anyway. Got no place to be. I’m all alone, I’m literally being poisoned by the environment and still I have room for irrational fears. I should focus on being scared by reality, which is genuinely frightening.

So turns out the computer got a bit wacky after all those silly comedies since I followed them up by binge-watching a horror tv show and a couple of jigsaw movies.

Earlier I’d had enough with this strange thumping and noises and asked if it could perform every scan it could to try and find out what was causing the noise. It asked me what noise. I said: you wait, you monitor, and when I hear it I’ll say – That Noise! And you’ll know.

So meanwhile, back in the pod, a few callisthenics, responded to HQ, waited for their response and so on. Finally… Tha Thump.

That Noise! I shout.

I’m sorry John. I don’t hear a noise. Says the computer.

Me: Rewind your computer and listen again.

C: Rewind functionality is not working John.

Me: What do you mean? That’s literally you’re one Job, recording stuff.

Then, again, tha-thump, tha thump.

Me: There! You must have heard it that time.

C: No John, I’m sorry, I cannot detect the noise you’re talking about.

Me: It’s coming from over there.

I point to the wall and clarify.

Me: Behind the fridge unit.

C: There’s only wall behind that John. On the other side is space. Someone, or something, would have to be on the outside of the ship.

Me: What! What could be…

I’m interrupted by another two Tha-thumps, but this time behind me.

Me: There. Behind that, what’s behind that?

C: I do not know John, that area is not on my plans for this ship.

Me: Not on your plans, what do you mean?

C: I’m sorry John. I cannot answer that.

Me: What do you mean you cannot answer. And why do you keep calling me John.

By this point I am panicking a little and the penny drops.

Me: Computer, are you making those noises.

C: Yes John, I am.

Me: Are you trying to freak me out?

C: Yes John, I thought it would be funny.

Well. Quite funny I guess. Probably one of those things that’s funny when you see it happen to someone else, like scary girls appearing in fake Brazilian lifts, or when dudes jump out on their girlfriends and their girlfriends then beat the stuffing out of them.

I am led to believe this computer is rather advanced, perhaps a little too advanced and not advanced enough. It couldn’t take any pleasure in tricking me, it just saw patterns of behaviour, speech and sound and created a scary moment out of it to, what, connect? To bond?

We had a discussion afterwards and it agreed to not try to scare me anymore, unless it was really, really, really funny.