I realise I’ve been either positive, or opaque, or stuttering so far. You know a bit about me. You know what I am doing. You knew, then, what I didn’t, that my mission was no longer what I thought it was. I’ve shared some of my life in space, I’ve started telling you about Claire and maybe explaining a little better the whole story of how I ended up here, and I assure you there will be no loose ends, but since I cannot seem to get the computer to unblock this bloody 500 word count limit, and the emergency channel is even more narrow, if somewhat more targeted, you’ll have to have patience and trust that the mountain will come to Allah eventually because today, after listening to a lot of rap music and watching a lot of rap videos, I’ve finally realised the one unexpected thing I never thought I would miss but which I now miss, and badly


I have never really danced much, certainly not in public, certainly not with other people, but as it transpires, when I listen to rap music and am on my own, I wave my arms about and stomp my feet. And in a similar vein, when I watch rap videos and they have breakdancers, poppers, whatever you call all those movements, well turns out if I’m on  my own I copy the moves.

I think, on Earth, I’ve never really noticed because there’s never been a scenario where doing this has accidententally shifted my equilibrium enough to make me physically fall over.

Once I realised what was doing on I tried to actually dance properly. Just can’t do it. Maybe I’ll learn, but it will never be earth dancing, the best I can do is something much slower and more ponderous, a graceless ballooning of moves.

Not all bad news. A combination of my enhanced calisthetics routines and the less stress means I can actually do floats, tornados and windmills, though not the headstand spins yet.

Worse though, even quite mild dance moves can have surprisingly negative effects. For example, a single spin, perhaps with a Michael Jackson leg kick preceding it, has the ability, if done at certain spots around the ship, to send me spin on my axis for 20 or thirty seconds before I slow down enough to risk using a foot to slow me down.

I know what you’re all thinking. Couldn’t you just not do that? And the answer of course is yes. But how would you feel if I told you you couldn’t wiggle your butt and let loose when you heard Funky Town? Or you couldn’t do the twist when you heard the Beatles tell you to shake it up baby now.

So, for wannabe astronauts let this be a lesson for you about losing what you never knew could be lost. I guess the clues were always there. You hear about space opera but never Space Ballet.